Sleep. Dreamless.

I'm going to bed. At last.
I so wish i could sleep well tonight.
The week has been too long.
Drowned in sounds, footsteps, deep breaths, a tui that seemed to have taken residence on a tree outside. I'm so sure it hasn't been there before.

I wish everyone else could sleep just as well.

Tuesdays and Saturdays

A new type of journal. Dilligent diary keeping. The before. The after. And everything in-between. We have to work out the patterns, she says.
So we can stop the patterns.

And you are also not allowed. Two days next week. You choose. As if it matters. So i said "Tuesday and Saturday". And that she writes down. "And that doesn't mean on other days you have permission."

I started to cry. "It is too hard." I don't want to stop.

Don't want it to be the last thing remaining of me, when I leave. What a fear.
Does she even know she's implanted seeds for this new distaste.
But anything to stop me. Does this mean it's getting better.

It only increases. More and more frequent. More and more severe.
More and more substantial each time.
Larger the dose.
Deeper the insertions.
Harder to feel.
As I grow more blunt.

I can hum softly most of the time.
Today though, an ancient story jolts in my memory.
In the Victorian times. Men wore earrings. The trend began with sailors. Who carried the fees for their burials on themselves, on their earlobes. The rings pay for the cost required to gain a resting place, if they were lost at sea and found on foreign lands.
For those people, how frightening is it, to leave their homeland?
For them, there really is no return.
Or it's the same for all of us, just some of us never realise.

Oh Crap!

It seems so ironic that i couldn't resist to HAVE to post this picture i found today.
considering it's titled "Crap...it's raining". and it's actually the 3rd-day-in-a-row that is ABSOLUTELY SUNNY in windy welly.
But i can't help it. as soon as i saw the teeth of this strange man i can sense his anguish, it was captured so right, i can't stop chortling.

but ANYWAYS, guess what i found today...

---> the remaining of tablet that took "flight" the other night. it's in a pile of white powder almost looking like it's cemented into a patch on my carpet.
(ok, how can powder 'cement' into something i dont know, i'm running out of words here)

GAH!

what is happening to this world?!?!?!

Dancing My Way To Death

*warning: substantial quoting*
I got out "Strictly Ballroom" again. I remember how much of a crush i had on paul mercurio the first time i watched it! This time i happened upon his blog and discovered the man's versatile talents other than dancing and choreography....
anyways. there was a poetry section, and i found something that really resonated in me..
two poems he wrote after his brother took his own life.
*tears*
i've been thinking about them ever since and got them out almost every morning to ponder over..might not be so good for me but helps me face my fears...
(i don't really know aye)

----- ----- -----
Here's what Paul wrote:
----- ----- -----
"I wrote the following two poems as a way of dealing with my brothers suicide. The first I wrote whilst doing a movie in the Gold Coast. It was six months after. I was imagining what I would say to me if I killed myself - imagined what my brother would say to me.
The second I wrote in Echua - a beautiful little town in Victoria. I was on a BMW motorcycle safari, we had the day off in Echuca - it was my brothers birthday - a year after. He spoke to me - perhaps we argued, I wrote and I know I cried a lot."

When I die
I shall leave my pain behind
I beg, please don’t pick it up
Let it roll into the gutter
And be swept away by the rain
As for your pain
Don’t treasure it as a lasting memory of me
Let it go, as you must let me
not a hole for sadness
But a place of reflection
For all of life’s gifts
A place of joy
To reflect on and be grateful for
Our time together.

(May 2001)

its not that i don’t love you/its that i don’t love me/how can i love another?/if i myself am loveless

its not enough that you love me/or that the world pours down radiant love in abundance/inside me it is perennially dark/untouched by the caressing hand/of anyones love/not yours/not gods/not mine

i am barren and seek only an end

do not offer me hope/for it does not exist in this place/do not ask of me faith/for it too wanders aimless/do not try to save me from this pain/for it only hurts me more/to witness your pity

i ask you to forget me/so as to save you from taking my pain/and making it yours

to live in pain is to seek an end/i am not afraid

you can, must and are able to move on/to grow/to nurture/to love/Go/Begin

(November 2001)

Darn Those Tablets

okay. so i picked my tablets today. and the capsules.
i'm suppose to start on tablets then the capsules.
i'm supposed to cut the first tablet in quarters, have one quarter each day for four days.
i'm supposed to cut the second and third tablets in halves and have one half each day for four days.
i'm supposed to have one capsule each day after that.

what actually happened:
i picked up my knife. cut the first tablet in half. one half flew across the room and is never to be found.
i cut the remaining half in quarters, except one quarter collapsed into powder and one tiny bit of tablet just under one quarter remains of it.
i ended up swallowing the undamaged quarter and the damaged one.

darn those tablets!

i also lost my scissors (my special slightly rusty metal black garden scissors) - in a lavatory in lambton quay old bank building. i just noticed it now.
don't ask me how they ended up there.

darn!

AND! - i had to do laundry like absolutely had to. so i got up at 9am to do so but guess what new flatmate decided to do the same and beat me to it. what's more i was waiting for him to finish but he shoved in another load. fuck! now i have no undies left i had to resort to my bikini bottoms. i might regret sharing this on a later date but right now just need to let off my steam.

*fume*

(it's great isnt it. to have a truly wonderful day, in every way. and be able to get angry at the tiniest pea-sized stooopid stuff. how. how. hoooow do i do that?)