Dancing My Way To Death

*warning: substantial quoting*
I got out "Strictly Ballroom" again. I remember how much of a crush i had on paul mercurio the first time i watched it! This time i happened upon his blog and discovered the man's versatile talents other than dancing and choreography....
anyways. there was a poetry section, and i found something that really resonated in me..
two poems he wrote after his brother took his own life.
*tears*
i've been thinking about them ever since and got them out almost every morning to ponder over..might not be so good for me but helps me face my fears...
(i don't really know aye)

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Here's what Paul wrote:
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"I wrote the following two poems as a way of dealing with my brothers suicide. The first I wrote whilst doing a movie in the Gold Coast. It was six months after. I was imagining what I would say to me if I killed myself - imagined what my brother would say to me.
The second I wrote in Echua - a beautiful little town in Victoria. I was on a BMW motorcycle safari, we had the day off in Echuca - it was my brothers birthday - a year after. He spoke to me - perhaps we argued, I wrote and I know I cried a lot."

When I die
I shall leave my pain behind
I beg, please don’t pick it up
Let it roll into the gutter
And be swept away by the rain
As for your pain
Don’t treasure it as a lasting memory of me
Let it go, as you must let me
not a hole for sadness
But a place of reflection
For all of life’s gifts
A place of joy
To reflect on and be grateful for
Our time together.

(May 2001)

its not that i don’t love you/its that i don’t love me/how can i love another?/if i myself am loveless

its not enough that you love me/or that the world pours down radiant love in abundance/inside me it is perennially dark/untouched by the caressing hand/of anyones love/not yours/not gods/not mine

i am barren and seek only an end

do not offer me hope/for it does not exist in this place/do not ask of me faith/for it too wanders aimless/do not try to save me from this pain/for it only hurts me more/to witness your pity

i ask you to forget me/so as to save you from taking my pain/and making it yours

to live in pain is to seek an end/i am not afraid

you can, must and are able to move on/to grow/to nurture/to love/Go/Begin

(November 2001)