WARNING: [Long Post]
*Deep Breath*
Definitely Strange when you find something in the past, and wonder if you are supposed to or not, cause whatever it is, it always knocks me sideways...
*Ka-donk*
So I discovered the following account, which is just SOOO TYPICAL it's UNBELIEVABLE.
Reminds me of a subject in this bit of dialogue in Before Sunset where Celine tells Jesse that even after 10 or 20 years, reading back on journals makes you realise again and again, that people change but the essence will always be the same--which is just SOO borderline convincing but I can just see the population dividing into almost equal halves agreeing and disagreeing..
So far, I have to agree.
--This was such an interesting read: predictable, trivial, neurotic, way too blatant, and just shows my 'inability-to-not-criticise-constantly' (i.e. self analyse like what i'm doing RIGHT NOW, and never giving up in trying to cure my own insecurities) -- and of course -- skills to babble like a child--
"
Wednesday 11 May, 2005. 6.36 pm
...today, dcided to skip all lectures (again), and spend the ENTIRE day sorting myself out,
at the usual snail-speed!
being at home for an entire day is TRUELY DULL.
and thus decided to make it "ravel" day. listened to tombeau, and ma mere l'Oye.
the piano version by werner hass is VERY STRANGE. im thinking of emailing johnny boy about it.
the forlane seems umbelievable mild and slow. but funny, according to Vlado Perlemuter and Helene Jourdan-Morhange the orchestral version was not as great, for it was ALWAYS TOO FAST (what!!) which is obviously contrary to what im used to. whoa! interesting!! better find out why this is so. mayb i can develop a different appreciation for the opposing tastes and interpretations. hmmm.. the gianluigi gelmetti recording has the SLOWEST middle section for the rigaudon it's UNBEARABLE!!!---same challenge here. a new appreciative angle needed.?!?! SHEESH!!
by the end of ma mere l'oye (with certain repeated playings---bringing back memories of the finale in which i forgot to come in at my solo at last year's university concert!), and the non stop listening to daphnes and chloe i was all "ravelled" out.
so decided to go for walk to botanical gardens, with the 5cm thick "a ravel reader" as my companion.
after checking carefully that i was fully equipped with cigarettes, lighter, drink. books, coats, double layers of jackets, scarf, fone, wallet, socks and boots. you name it. i finally headed out the door, only to find myself immediately taking off a tangent to the diary to purchase a packet of grainwaves and a medium sized hot chocolate (no mocca today!)
bumped into the flautist yuri--first day working at the diary, who made my chocolate: the most disgusting thing i'v ever tasted. too much milk, and somehow there were traces of coffee in it and the chocolate was almost non-existent. my tongue was seriously confused.
and the coffee cup was greased with sticky sugar. took me another indecisive moment to conclude i'm not gona head back and ask her to remake it---it's her first day after all! (oh. dear.)
arrived at botanical gardens: geeze my favourite seat was taken! so i stalked around it until the girl left. can't help being an annoying bitch. i need my space!!
the weather was amazingly stormy. i sat cross legged and immediately occupied the entire bench with my belongings.
the wind is JUST INCREDIBLE. luckily i was well covered. but next time: need warmer and longer sox and DEFINITELY MY HEAT PACK. AND GLOVES!! i dont know how i ended up staying there for an hour without freezing my ass off.
the book is amazing: wonderful ravel quotes. he's starting to become a real person to me. especially reading about what he did when he was young.
"beauty is truth, truth beauty"--that is all
Ye know on earth, and all ye need to know.
(John Keats, Ode on a Grecian Urn)
"ALL of life's pleasure consists of getting a little closer to perfection,
and expressing life's mysterious thrill a little better."
(Ravel).
--Ravel after joining yacht trip with Alfred and Misia Edwards on "Aimee" to Belgium, Holland and Germany--1905 (to Madamen Rene de Saint-Marceaux)
"During all of this time, I didnt compose two measures, but I was storing up a host of impressions, and I expect this winter to be extraordinarily productive. I have never been so happy to be alive, and I firmly believe that joy is far more fertile than suffering."
i love how Ravel and his friends joined to form a group to devotes to the arts. and to name themselves "Apaches"!!
(Apaches--underworld hooligans!!)--artistic outcasts.
and Ravel was called RARA!! with a phantom member called "Gomez de Riquet"--invented by Rara.
it reminds me that people can actually do things PURELY bcuz of their LOVE for doing it. I really long for that.
the closest thing that i can refer to in my life rite now is probably playing in Gate Seven. the people who does it seems like they are only there BECAUSE THEY WANT TO BE. iv decided to really work from that kind of attitude, and not allow my head to take off into the other side, questioning their motives and beliefs. as long as i hold my ground,things will be okay. how can i not realise that like, yesterday?! it's so crazee where my mind takes me, everyday.
and i'v seriously decided i HATE MONEY.-- all the things it makes people do.
all this really got me laughing. ahhh reading ravel is such a thrill.
i started thinking about next year: realistically: i think i'm going to email diana doherty, and try and get a lesson while she is here. and also ask her (as well as bobby) about the possibilities of overseas study. sydney still seems like the most possible place. as long as alexandre is willing to teach me! and i HAVE to be good enough.
i think, the roots of my fear, is being around all the things i find uncomfortable. especially the young people, and "going wild". when i get to a new place: or even from now on: i am going to be SO STUBBORN about what i want and don't want to do--especially socially--i hate drinking. and why don't i be frank about it! i only like it when it tastes good.
i love the thrill in small things. if the super mini sensations are already mind blowing enough for me, as it is. and why don't i jus accept that, and this is jus the way i see things! it doesn't mean i am not capable to be wild! what is wild anyways?
is it the ABILITY to go ahead and proceed with the "DOING" of what has bcum an extroverted behaviour by the general society? cuz i think that is enough and speaks for itself. what is wrong is believing that it lies in WHAT ACTION actually takes place.
a person can have stronger tendencies to slit her wrists or burn herself (in my case) than to drink herself silly.
plus, a "silly justification-jus to make me feel self-righteous": drinking makes you stoopid. and when i'm not the brightest person on the planet, i certainly do NOT want to be MORE stoopid!
let's hope tho, one day, i could really enjoy good wine, whiskey. it's funny, it's like, we can seriously "MAKE" anything we want, HOW we want it. whiskey, or good wine, is "POSH" bcuz it doesn't come easily? like diamonds?
but "good" wine doesnt necessarily taste good! in the end tho, isnt tat what we want? something to taste good?
or it has to be HARD TO ATTAIN therefore "good" because it might psychologically prove yourself worthy in attaining it.
why can't pancakes, or ice-creams or tomato soup be treated the same way,
simply bcuz they can taste SOO GOOD!---i think they potentially deserve same kind of respect. but it again, bcums so personal what we value.
it goes back to I HATE MONEY/MATERIALISM: it seems like we have to measure EVERYTHING by material!!
i'm just not going to fall into that. it's a FUCKING HORRIBLE HOLE to be in. i mean, the fun things to explore, like the mysteries in life, can be found in small details like these!--how every person would like different tastes, sensations, without explaining EXACTLY WHY?! they find it so.
i wish Rara is still alive, he'll so be my other twin.
i really can be who i want to be. i shud really stop lying to myself. and trust my own goodness more. i'v been stuck for so long! i really hope this is the process of waking up. i remember, that i used to have my "light" too.
now it's jus time to bcum shiny again. hehehe. corny analagies!--(but i dont see why i shud try to avoid cheesiness!)
mayb i dont hav to try to be mysterious. the more genuine adn honest i try to be. the more i feel like, my mysteries is a mystery to myself--enough as it is. i mean, i constantly go nuts anyways, so what the heck. mayb that's why i mus continue to do music. chanelling my energy and whatever it is about me that others mite find special--by which i mean, not jus unique, but also the 'unspecial' that is common which brings people together that in the end it is special because it makes a connection anyways. (it's... in... here... somewhere, i'm sure *seemingly rummaging throu bag of magic beans* and even i don't know what it is---which is
the magic of it!)----into something that is "good" for everyone.
and mayb i'm not so rebellious sometimes. i shudnt b afraid to settle down a bit and just be happy and be calm... it's really not so bad!
and mayb i'm still a fucked up girl who is jus looking for her own peace of mind.
how's that for some serious deep shit!---even i cringe at it!---they always look so horrible on paper--just like
photos: they whole immortality thing.
and really. after the talk with gregoree. i dont know what to think anymore. spirituality really doesn't do it for me. the whole couples, homo's, what is right, what is wrong. i wish i'm not so sensitive sometimes. why cant i be "sharp" once in a while?
i mean. what the HELL is the difference!!--the roots of it all is the same!!
let's hope one day i can live what i seem to want right now: simple, in the moment, and be TRUELY satisfied! (cuz right now, i know somehow i still want some trouble in my life don't i?--i never stop to create more that is!)
let's hope i never hav to read what i jus wrote. "
--eeek!!!
it is so ironic, the last line. that would be the ONLY line that took me by surprise...
or not really.
i'm glad to say, 2 months down the line, i am happy where i am now, and it's definitely far better than the above. lol. tho i can still remember vividly what brought me to write like that. but so much i cared about really doesnt matter anymore.
feels like...*sings* " i'm freee....freee-fallling...etc etc " (yeah in tom-cruise-esque, jerry maguire style: shaking head from side to side, beating the wheel of my imaginery car which i am yet to purchase...)
"Not only was Mary free-falling from 2,563 feet...
her undies were showing."
