My Reflection isn't Me

okay.

don't know what's happening to me!
unhealthy unhealthy unhealthy.

feeling helpless about my abusive eating habits (or lack of), and now has lost strength to do anything about it. since tonga it's just been weird weird weird.
and sleep seems to be replacing eating. sleep is all i want to do. is it bcuz i'm now off lift plus and the likes? but having one mocca a day since return to welly (okay, so that's only 2 cups so far)...doesnt make me wana sleep less. hmm.

the don't's, or more like can't's:
-eat meat: cant chew it, cant swallow it, the smell and motions just makes me want to throw up
-eat solids: too tired to chew
-taste: how on earth did i manage to enjoy chilli or indian or any strong sauces/tastes for ages i no longer understand. i cant taste anything. smell of food courts, meat, kebab shops, fast food places, makes me cover up my nose, afraid to chuck. even japanese makes me churn.
-feel hungry: stomach simply stopped responding. don't. know. why.
-basically all desire to eat.

the can's:
-simply squeezed spirulina/feijoa juice
-vanilla chai tea

the strange:
-how i can be completely honest and conscious of these problems and talk about them (even to mum), but mentally lose all control over what my body feels like, or doesnt feel like.
and i thought it was my emotions/stress/mentality that dictates my eating habits.

the phobias:
-spicy food
-indian food
-milky, or creamy sauces/soups
-meat
-solids
-swallowing
-chewing


the solution:
-going home to get some decent motherly healing.
-because: i'm acting like a baby, excuse being i simply feel too tired to eat, it seems like this time of the year is when exhaustion becomes my best friend...

so....basically i'm off home cuz...i cant chew.

humph.

(my reflection isnt me...)