Holding onto the Past

little tid bits keeps on returning to me. like how i seriously thought that if god knew anything he'd give human wings. oh wait. that would make us.....become angels!
yeah whatever.
jus cause i think aeroplanes suck. what's the point of being able to ascend to 20 miles up in the air, when you cant fly alone. sheesh.

yeah so that thought i've been holding onto since like what, when i was 5 or something peanuts.
which was way before i got brainwashed and invaded over by everything else that comes with living in a society next to other human beings, like the whole "grass-is-greener-on-other-side-of-fence" theory. i wish i'm not so convinced by it. it's is so not ENTIRELY true.

mmm.

maybe just partially. like yeah we want to fly just cause we cant.
and then if we have wings sooner or later we'll be wishing we have fins to go underwater.

*snap*

(out of morning ditz)

soooo...on more important news. Rotorua Concerto Competition this weekend. ROTOVEGAS....
so i've been told.
Martinu concerto i shall play. i love the piece more than ever.
Bobby at lesson yesterday made me play it like nothing before. finally feel like i'm breaking some boundary and struggling. Simply stated: i just don't put myself out there enough. He said..."you know, it's all there.."...which was encouraging. however i want to interpret it, im glad he said it. sometimes i feel like i'm just a machine following his good orders. not that i mind, he has just the most awesome taste. what scares me is the core of it: me: which i lose every now and then and rummage in the darkness trying to relocate where i was.
another thing that constantly makes me squirm with discomfort (on a weekly basis pre-and post- lessons) -- is the insecurity and dwelling on what i don't have and what i WISH i have but am (yet) to posess: the free mind and musical creativity to reinforce my presence to result in an infinite well of -- GOOD MUSIC -- a massive quality that Bobby has that constantly leaves me awe-struck and respecting him more everyday.
ahhh...
lessons stress me out.

as they should.

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gah....daily triviality:
i have issues with everything don't i?!?!
this time it's laundry:
the biggest load yet. so i shoved in too much washing powder. ooops.
this is what happens when one travels too much and has no time to do laundry. therefore being unfamiliar and out of control with one's regular load-size of washing, leading to lack of control in consistency of washing powder usage.
result: all my favourite black clothes (as in almost everything i wear these days) -- have brutal white markings all over them -- undissolved washing powder.
grrr...

UNACCEPTABLE.
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visited whitcoulls:
and YIPPEE: resisted temptation to purchase harry potter six.
plus, special was over, so was $5 more expensive.
a wee problem: the books im obviously a lot more interested in -- such as nick hornby's "a long way down" (yes, about suicidal, whimsical suicidal people), and chuck palahniuk's "haunted" -- cost heaps!!
solution: discover a manner of thinking approach to justify the money i save in not purchasing either:

Approach #1:
-get it from the library
(Opposition says: but i want to read it NOOOOW)---therefore did not work, because it takes ages for new books to go on the shelves in libraries, and then it still costs...

Approach #2:
-finish books from library first
(Opposition says: but i didnt get any books by Chuck from the library, and i want to read a chuck book NOOOOW)---also didnt work

Approach #3:
-well, actually, think of all the unread new books at the back of the shelf that you actually OWN.
(Opposition says: hmmm...actually, i've got a Chuck's "Diary" lying back there. hey! how horrible i forgot about that!)---thus Opposition cease to exist.

Result:
-the mind is at peace.
(and potential opposition voice is satisfied by satirical nihilist horror fiction)
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practice tonight:
rather unsuccessful, mainly because chapped and blistered lips (yeah sounds horrible i know. it looks a lot better than it feels). how annoying that i forgot to use bonjela....
so tried to tackle martinu and embrace bold flamboyant character and stage presence which didnt last long. trying to run through anything just seemed crazy.

*humphf*

not to happy.
but things could be worse.
reeds are surprisingly reliable. the old one is RELIABLY CRAP now. the new one RELIABLY REFRESHING with colours suitable for concerto soloistic demands.
discovered another new reed....yippee....pretty raw right now but a potential.
yay. now after i've said all this i could go to bed in serenity.
(see? how daily triviality stresses me out just. like. that. no wonder i cant eat.)